A new meaning to the term GoogleBot

Seriously. What if all the SEO/marketing blogs online just didn’t talk about Google. For, like, a day. Two days? Is it possible?

What good is talking doing, anyway? Very soon, Google is going to patent You and send you a cease and desist notice (to stop being You) and you will be forced to go live in the fringes amongst the other displaced people Google now owns. A robot that looks vaguely like you will be inserted into your life. It will go about your daily business, interacting blandly with the people you called loved ones. There will be a three AdSense banners on its face, and every time someone speaks to it, the ads will rotate and reload.

Meanwhile, you and the other displaced people will travel to Seattle to meet up with the an eccentric wizard known only as The GatesKeeper. There you will all work with the GatesKeeper to forge an army capable of vanquishing the dreaded GoogleBots. You will have viruses, trojan horses and magic dust that causes power failures, but in the end you will find that your most effective weapon against the GoogleBot is Spam. You will plant what looks like a clever form of paid links in the Spam. The GoogleBots will be unable to keep themselves from coming to Seattle to see what’s going on. You will pretend to be devastated that the GoogleBots have caught you and seized your Spam. But as the GoogleBots eat the Spam, they will also ingest the very deadly ingredient you’ve mixed into it:

Eye of 14 year old php scriptmaster!

Which, everyone knows, is like kryptonite to GoogleBots. Slowly, they will all go blank as they shut down.

In the sequel, The GatesKeeper turns evil and the stakes are even higher because the only person willing to help you oppose him is the Yahoogian, who’s grown slightly mad trying to figure out how to keep a free email service up and running more than 50% of the time.